Did I get you with that title?? First I want to start with saying that I have been MIA from the blog for GREAT reasons!! I went to Las Vegas for 5 days with my husband, Mom and Dad! Our very first true vacation with no kids!!
Once we got back I realized I had sooo much to do, and the blog just had to wait. I have so many posts lined up, and all sorts of projects in the works that I cannot wait to share with you!!
Today I wanted to share a story with you all that has been a giant hurdle for our family this year. Also, today is the day we make the final decision.... (please pray for me will you?)
It starts with this little boy..........
Meet Gage:
He has always been such a happy, yet reserved child. He worries about everything, and does not like to take risks. This is a child that gets worried when driving over bridges or down steep hills. Love him to pieces!
We never thought it was an issue as he grew up, however he also does not like to go into public places, or even to a park if there are too many kids. He has always slept with his sister. Even when she was a baby, we would find him curled up on the floor in front of her crib. It was so sweet at the time, and to this day he likes to sleep in her room. Good thing she has a trundle bed!
We had asked our pediatrician about it in the past and he reassured us that he was going through a "phase". Yes all kids go through them, some worse than others. When Gage started school he never had any problems all the way through the second grade. He did need help with reading, but once he was placed in a program, he excelled all year long!
We had no idea that this year would bring a whole new ballgame, and a mass heartbreak. It started about 2 weeks into the school year.
His teacher asked me to come in and talk about Gage. She brought to my attention that he was having a hard time doing anything in class, and not paying attention. She also told me that she found he has a speech impediment. Her suggestion was to see our pediatrician and talk about medications. (although she did not directly say medication, she said everything that comes along with that)
As a mom this all came as a huge shock, being that he has been in this school for 3 years now and never had any problems.
His teacher asked me to come in and talk about Gage. She brought to my attention that he was having a hard time doing anything in class, and not paying attention. She also told me that she found he has a speech impediment. Her suggestion was to see our pediatrician and talk about medications. (although she did not directly say medication, she said everything that comes along with that)
As a mom this all came as a huge shock, being that he has been in this school for 3 years now and never had any problems.
I took a few days to process everything that was said, and even talked to some friends of mine that are teachers as well. I decided I needed a second opinion and also to have the principal involved. And I did just that. She talked to the teacher, and things quieted down for about 3 weeks. Then came the parent teacher conference....
I had no clue what was about to hit. Things were said that may have caused my jaw to drop to the floor. I wont go into detail, however to sum it up, my son was now not able to do anything in her classroom. Even the basics of school. But now, he has a learning disability.... so she is claiming. She also informed me that my son had been moved to a new location at the front of the classroom with an empty "buffer" desk between him and the other kids. His desk had also been turned around so that he would not fiddle with anything inside of it.
Don't get me wrong. I am all for finding ways to keep children focused in class, but this was all being done the wrong way, and with horrible communication. I could talk for hours about the negatives here, but I am trying to stay on the point.
At this point we agreed to have him tested for Special Education as she had suggested, and we also had agreed to see our pediatrician.
During the next few months Gage was having emotional breakdowns in the morning, and even physically trying to make himself sink in order to avoid school. We would spend a number of mornings sitting in the office just to calm him down. My gut told me that this was not right.
Two months went by and we were nearing Christmas break. Gage wanted to take me into his classroom to show me the salmon eggs that were hatching, and while in there he said "oh mom, I had to move again, that's where I sit now" as he pointed to his desk, I felt this sense of anger and disgust fill my body. She had now moved my child to his own "island" in the front of the classroom, still turned around. Keep in mind that all of the desks are connected to each other, except my child! This has now been taken too far.
I went home again, talked to my husband, talked to the principal and asked Gage how this made him feel, and wouldn't ya know it.... NOT GOOD! He felt embarrassed, humiliated and confused. He said he just wanted another chance to sit with the other kids. But no such luck.
Over the Christmas break we had contemplated taking Gage out of that classroom, and placing him in another classroom, but the Principal had urged us to give it another try after the break. We had plans to see our pediatrician on the 5th of January, and so we had decided to stick with it.
January 5th came, and it was a very emotional yet informative day. We sat down and talked about it all. And Gage was diagnosed with Child Anxiety in the form of Social Phobia. What? As he explained it, it all made sense. Why did I not catch this sooner? Why is it so elevated this year at school? Well his school merged with another school which brought it over 200 new kids, and a bunch of new teachers, one of which was his.
This poor child is suffering and I did not even know it. I felt much less of a mother, but my husband was right there to pick me up off the floor and reassure me I am a great mother and have done all I can for my child.
Then came the talk of all talks.... medication. My heart sank, as I held back the tears. We talked about many kinds and decided to go with Zoloft. This terrified me, I know as an adult how strong that drug is, and I am supposed to give it to my child? He told us to give it 3 weeks for his blood levels to even out... so we did it.
I was terrified of the possible side effects, and having to explain to our daughter what her brother would be going through. At this time I went to the school and said exactly what the doctor had said and that we had another 3 weeks to wait. I explained the side effects and how important it is to pay attention to his behavior and to let me know right away if anything seemed off.
Well luck would have it.. at the end of week ONE, yes ONE week his teacher pulled me aside in the front of the school (in front of other people) and let me have it. Told me my son made her feel like a failure as a teacher, she had the worst day, actually week ever. He had horrible behavior, yet she never sent him to the principals office. The last straw for me was this comment "When he comes in next week, he will be moving back to his "island". I know this will not help his anxiety, but I have no other choice."
Excuse me?!?!? I have another choice! Well I kept my cool, and waited until I got in the car to let out my tears. Did she really just do that? She couldn't have waited, or maybe nicely told me he had a rough week? And now she wants to dis-regard his medical diagnosis for her own good?
As you can tell, I was D.O.N.E with this teacher. The following day was my birthday, and my children were headed to my parents for the weekend. But I was so upset that I spent most of the time in tears wondering where to turn to next.
Luckily for me, it was a three day weekend, so I had time to think. We had come to the decision to yank him and I mean YANK from her classroom. I sat down to my computer and drafted an e-mail to the principal wiping many tears as I typed. I had to take breaks along the way, just to re-gain composure.
My exact words were "He will not be returning to school until he is placed in another classroom" and low and behold, Tuesday morning, he did not go to school. I was not willing to put him through this any longer. I now knew that my gut feeling was right all along. I felt horrible for not acting sooner.
I got a call from the Principal that afternoon, and right away he was moved! His new teacher is WONDERFUL and so positive. I know my son may have a few problems, but being negative will only make things worse.
Today is the day we meet to discuss the options for an IEP or a 504. These will be specialized education plans for him to help him get back into the 3rd grade groove. This has been the hardest journey with school so far.
So many times I was asking myself, how did this happen? What am I doing wrong? Part of me now thinks it's not me.....
Now the questions for you all are: Have you been through this? Am I doing something wrong? What would you do?
Thank you so much for stopping by! I would love prayers or even good thoughts sent our way, it may be a rough night.
I promise to be back soon with some new crafty fun!!!
13 comments:
Wow! Bless your heart!!! Oh my goodness. I wish we could chat over some coffee. Anyway, I have homeschooled for 15 years now. My youngest is 7 and there is no doubt in my mind that we would have similar struggles if he were in a school setting. I'm not saying homeschool is the answer but if you ever want to try it, I am here. I'll be praying for you and your baby. I hope this new teacher works out so you guys can get back to some kind of normal. I don't think YOU are doing anything wrong. Your child may need something that the school does not offer him. Prayers definitely going up for all of you!!! Praying for a great night too!
I have tears in my eyes and my chest is tight just reading this post. That teacher should not be in the classroom. Period. What I read really is abuse to your son. You did the right thing and pulled him from that teacher. He needs calm patience and positive reinforcement, not humiliation in front of his peers. I am floored that the principal is allowing that teacher to continue working with kids. Children do not need loose cannons for teachers.
I have to share with you about our middle daughter, Whitney. She is beautiful, smart, talented and now 24. All the years she was in school she never had any issues with her teachers or curriculum but her homework always took her twice the amount of time as her two sisters. We lived in CA till she graduated from high school then moved to Oregon.
While in high school Whitney was a cheerleader. Our deal was she had to maintain A's and B's in order to cheer because where we lived, cheerleading was huge (camps, competitions, multiple outfits)and our cost was about 5 thousand dollars a year. We felt that was fair. She kept up her end for all 4 years and never had any problems keeping up her GPA, except her work still took her a very long time to complete.
Flash forward to college and the U of O. She completed 2 years, then was taking a summer school class. She was very stressed out, had a hard time keeping up with her work, GPA dropping and turning into a wreck over school. During that summer class she mentioned to her teacher that she was having a hard time and could she test alone. The sounds of the other students, even as simple as a pencil tapping, drove her anxiety over the top. Making it worse was at that level, in that class, the tests were all multiple choice. Her teacher had been with her for only a few weeks, so he didn't really know her well but he was very intuitive. Whitney at this point in her education told us she was going to drop out of school because she just couldn't do the work. You can just imagine her stress at this point and feeling like a failure.
The teacher suggested Whitney go to special services to talk to them. She did and right away they told her they thought she had a learning disability. How could we not know as her parents??? How could we miss that?? She did well in high school and college was difficult for most of us. So, we went to a psychologist that they recommended. Our insurance didn't cover him but it was well worth the money. After their first meeting, and his initial testing, she came out of the session on cloud nine. We were waiting, not knowing what would happen. The first thing she said is that her IQ is just below a genius level and was really playing that up. We were so relieved that she felt so good about herself and she was so happy to have that good news. Then she told us that she has Dyslexia. Yeah, can you believe it? Dyslexia!! How could we have missed that??? She had another session, with more testing done and that sealed the Dyslexia diagnosis.
So flash forward a few years. Whitney graduated from college and she landed a very, very good job working in the medical field. We are so so very proud of her. She often jokes with her sisters that they aren't almost geniuses like she is.
So, sorry this is so long but what I am saying in the end is, don't beat yourself up. We all try our best as parents, and we accept our kids for all their little quirks that we find endearing, never ever thinking those sweet quirks could point to something else. I understand. I really do understand just how you are feeling. Steve and I were right there where you are. Time will make you feel better and you will find the answers for your son. Bless his heart, he has been thru so much with that teacher.
I actually had two more paragraphs that I had to delete because it was too long and wouldn't accept the comment.
In a nutshell, U of O is amazingly wonderful at their special services. They truly helped our daughter be successful and there are so many resources available to students that have special needs.
So sorry you and your son has had to go through all this! I have always homeschooled my kids, so we've never had to go through anything like that. Praying things will keep getting better for you all!
I am so saddened by the abuse your son has had to endure by an uncaring teacher. I agree with the comment above that this was abuse. Emotional abuse from a teacher to a student. NO ONE likes to be isolated and if Gage was already struggling with anxiety I can see how this would escalate the problem!
As an adult who has fought problems with ADHD my ENTIRE life, unmedicated (didn't try any meds until an adult and the results weren't pretty) I look back and am so thankful that my parents trusted their gut and not what all my teachers were saying (so that THEIR job would be easier, not my life would be easier). I'm not saying medication is bad, and I certainly support your decision to do what is best for your son! But I am saying TRUST YOURSELF. You are a Mother and God gave you the intuition and tools you need to parent the best way you know how and the best way for Gage!
I doubt my post is much help but thank you for sharing your story and we will pray for you throughout this journey! :)
No advice, but some big hugs to you and your little guy!
I am so sorry that you had to deal with such a horrible teacher. I found your blog through a Pinterest pin and I couldn't read this post and not comment on it. My DS used to have problems with his attention span, impulse control, sleeping and he had health problems as well. When he was 3 1/2 years old, I stumbled upon the Feingold Association website. Have you heard about the Feingold Diet? It is diet eliminates artificial dyes, preservatives, artificial flavors and certain fruit and vegetables. After I read through the symptom list on their site, I decided to try the diet and it has changed my son's life dramatically. He no longer has the impulse control, attention problems, and he is no longer is sick all the time. My son is 5 years old now and, this year he had a episode of exposure to artificial dyes he has issues with anxiety and sensory issues with noise, in addition to the other symptoms. I can not say enough good things about the diet. It has changed our lives so much for the better.
http://feingold.org/symptoms.php
Reading your story just now (just a little behind on my email) sends me back to the beginning of this school year. This exact thing happened with my grandson, Kaleb, and his teacher. And as in your situation, the principal talked my daughter into keeping her son in the classroom for several more weeks. She, like you, had wanted to give the teacher a chance although everything inside told her to yank him from the classroom.
My daughter has always been a parent to help in the classroom, communicate well with the teachers, request additional assignments if the kids were lagging, and very on top of each of her children's school abilities. So to her it made no sense that Kaleb could go from the top of his class to the very bottom over one summer. According to the teacher he was so far behind in all of his subjects that he should have never been promoted to the third grade.
Always an outgoing boy that looked forward to going to school, Kaleb became an emotional wreak, he would cry all the time, constantly say how stupid he was, and would try to come up with every excuse not to go to school. My daughter would repeatedly try to talk to the teacher and to the principal explaining that this was not at all like her son, that something was wrong. According to them he just needed time to adjust to her teaching style. He like your son, was placed by himself in the front of the class, everything was taken from him, so he couldn't "fidget", as the teacher explained, it drove her nuts that he couldn't sit still. Yes, Kaleb has ADHD, at times it is worse than others, but it had never been an issue with previous teachers. They all knew that he was on the "watch list" you might call it, but it had never gotten bad enough to medicate, according to the pediatricians paperwork.
My daughter finally had to do the same as you and told the school that her son would not return until he was given another classroom. Since Kaleb was moved, he has returned to enjoying school and is again at the top of his class. A great teacher makes all the difference in the world. A child knows if someone singles them out and doesn't like them. Any teacher that does this, in my opinion, should NOT be teaching.
Don't blame yourself, you are doing the absolute best you can for your son. If something is sending off those internal bells, listen, because there is definitely something not right, never second guess yourself!! At times you can sit back and think ok, let's give this a chance, but if it doesn't work, it doesn't work.
Also, one more point, never expect less from your son unless you see he is struggling. A parent's worst mistake is making excuses and not letting a child live up to his full potential. Your son will let you know if something is too much and so will your heart!! =)
If only parenthood came with a road map or policy handbook or SOMETHING!!! Yes, we went through this with our eldest daughter. She had always done extremely well in school, then sixth grade hit and the bottom fell out. She had a gargantuan case of "school refusal" and that year turned into one of agony for her and for us as her parents. We, too, were given the option of medicating her (and, to be clear, I am NOT anti-pharmaceutical) however, her "symptoms" and fears only came out while she was AT school, never at home or anywhere else. So it was our choice to forgo the meds and work through this situation, which did ultimately pass. We, without hesitation, would have gone the pharma route if she'd needed that. It is imperative to not compare one case with another and know that each child must be given the treatment plan which is right for them. We focused on getting her to be comfortable again in school and tried to maintain open and supportive communication with her. She did see a psychologist once a week during this period and while I can't say for certain what exactly triggered her "recovery" from the phobia, the support of everyone certainly helped. I also learned to find and USE my voice, whether it be making requests upon the school for help or asserting my child's needs. Without meaning to sound judgemental, I am having a really difficult time swallowing the actions of your son's teacher. It seems, at best, uninformed, and at worst cruel and ignorant. Which brings me to my point (aha, there it is)...we, as parents MUST be our child's sounding boards, their advocates, their protectors and their safe place to land when things in their worlds get rough. You've done a wonderful job and I hope you know that.
I wish I could sit and hold your hand as we commiserate. My (now 17) year old son went through a similar situation. It was his fourth grade teacher that did him in. My husband and I are both teachers so it double breaks my heart that a child has to go through this and someone in my chosen profession does not understand learning and social difficulties. My little guy has anxiety. There is hope. To write our journey would be entirely too long but I will say we went many routes. They served their purpose for the place we were in. Do not give up hope. Do not give up advocating for your son. My son will be going to college in September. Please feel free to contact me if you would like to talk. In the meantime my thoughts and prayers will be with your family.l
that teacher absolutely needs to be fired!!! i have been diagnosed with generalized anxiety and am also on zoloft, i find the more i get out the better i feel. i am currently working toward a chemical free household and organic diet because i have heard that it can be beneficial, i am taking the transition slowly but have greatly reduced added sugar items and provide myself with healthy whole foods. work in progress...
I'm coming into this conversation a bit late...but boy can I relate! I dearly wish I had been as firm and proactive as you have been. My son (now 17) went thru a HORRIBLE experience during kindergarten. I wish now...well, it just can't be redone. For instance, he was so afraid of his teacher that he ended up unbelievably constipated and would then soil himself with diarrhea when the teacher would bark at him. He had to be on a special diet with medication & suppositories for the next 5 years to deal with it. That teacher got fired and told never to return-this was a school connected to our church-and she was even removed from the church. BUT the damage was done. My only advice is for YOU to not get too caught up in worry. My son does have anxiety and did go on zoloft and it helped...but he felt terrible because of the idea that he needed to take a pill to fix his brokenness...and he didn't consider himself broken! So, he's gone off of it...and had to deal with everything with out that assistance...we ended up homeschooling for 8 years-which helped...now we are moving to the east coast so he can go to a good Christian academy to finish high school. It's been a long, hard, hard road...but we love him so very much and want him to succeed in life. BTW, my son is extremely smart...and a deep thinker and I imagine this is the same with your son. Write down your concerns and revisit them periodically...but don't waste his short childhood by excessively worrying! Enjoy that beautiful son of yours and be open to every possibility and opportunity. We would never have dreamed that we would be moving 3,000 miles...but here we are...just do what's best for YOUR child. Again, I want to commend you for over riding that horrible teacher! I wish, wish I could go back and do the same...I, too, listened to the principal and should have listened to my heart. Whatever "mistakes" have been made were made out of love for that son of yours. That's what I tell my son. :) (BTW-I'm from Oregon originally-live in WA for the next month or so...I luv Oregonians!)
I am so sorry for yours and Gage's school experience. I was sick reading about it. I was also thinking of a book I came across in teacher's college called the "highly sensitive child" and I know there is another book about sensitive boys. I think you may want to read up on this. Again, I am sorry for your experience.
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