Monday, December 19, 2011

My Grim Reality........

I am after all is said and done a mother of two....  It has been 4 years since I have said that.

The past few days have truly been some of the hardest days I have had in a LONG time.  Things just hit me, and it was all brought to light....

I have shared the story of my special nephew who was brought into our family at the tender age of 1.  He is now 5 (check out his awesome carnival party here) years old!  This past August his biological father got married to a woman with 2 children of her own and decided they were ready to have little J full time. *tear*  We knew this day would come, but were not ready.

Jayden left our house right around September 28th and it was a very bittersweet goodbye.  I want him to be raised by his biological father, but also want to keep him where I know he is safe from all bad things.  We still see him from time to time, and at every family holiday event, but it's just not the same without him around.  He is the most lovey little boy, and gets excited over the smallest things in life.

Fast forward to September 30th (fast right) I received a phone call from a friend that lives in Alaska.  She has a 13 year old son that is VERY near and dear to my heart as well.  I have known him since he was 2 years old.  His mom was a very young mother, and when I met little Josh his mom was at a hard place in life.  I was only 17 at the time and enjoyed spending as much time with this little boy as possible.  He and I would go shopping, jogging, go to the park and baseball games.  You name it, we did it! 

 (Josh is in the center, this is our wedding in 2005)

Over time his mom became very ill with Chrons disease and Josh spent more and more time with myself, and at the time boyfriend (who is now my hubby)  This went off and on for about 3 years.  Then one day his mom came to me with horrible news that she was relocating to Arizona. *tears again* 

This was a HORRIBLE day.  I had grown to love this little boy and we spent so much time together.  We truly were the best of friends.  I remember laying in my bed telling Allen that my life would never be the same.  And to be honest, I don't think it was.  I missed him so much!!  We kept in touch, and I got to see him a couple times when they would come back to visit, but it was never the same.

They now live in Alaska and he is almost all grown up. 

OK, back to the phone call....  His mom told me that she was having a hard time with him, and he needed a place to go.  I was not sure what all was going on, but if this little boy needed a place to go, my house was where he belonged!

I believe God had a plan when he took little "J" out of our home, he was making room for big "J".  Seems only fitting right?

Josh has been staying with us for the last 3 months and has brought out a whole new parenting level in me that I don't think I was prepared for.  I mean a 5 year old to a 13 year old?  Yikes!  We had our ups and our downs, but Josh is a great kid.  He is always polite, sometimes moody, but he means the world to me still.

On Saturday Josh turned 14 years old!  This is also the day he decided he was ready to go back home.  I believe he was getting a little homesick, although he would never say that.  It was not really a planned goodbye and truthfully came as a shock to our family.  I am so thankful we were all there when he did leave so we all got to say our goodbyes.  It was such a fast and surprise goodbye that I did not have any time to process what was going on at the time.

I carried on with the night, feeling a little relief (that I was now back to only 2 kids) but a sense of sadness that Josh was gone.  Then BAM!  as I got ready for bed, my two little ones were sound asleep, hubby was in bed and there I was in my cold dark living room all alone.  For the last 3 months, I had a 13 year old to talk to, or show me magic tricks, or a funny YouTube video.  This was no longer my life.  I sat and cried, and then thought about little J. 

Neither one of these special boys are my own, but both hold a HUGE chunk of my heart.  I know God placed them both in my life for a reason, but I am struggling to find the answers.  This was not fair.  For 4 years now I have been a mother of 3.  I don't want to take the 2nd bed out of my sons room, I don't want to change my personal profiles, I don't want to fix my tax returns this year.... it just isn't right.

I do not share these feelings with many people, and my family thinks I am just fine.  I don't want to dwell on sadness, and I don't want my little ones to see me upset.  But the truth is, I am dying inside.

Is it just me, or is it OK to have these feelings?  I just feel so sad right now, and of course its just before Christmas.  There will not be a 5th stocking this year, and I think that is the hardest part of it all.  I miss the fab 5!

I would love any input.  Even if you have never been in my shoes, I would LOVE to hear from you.

Happy Holidays!  I hope to return Wednesday with a fun post!


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